I wish everyone knew what it felt like to be in foster care. I wish you knew the process I went through to get to the person I am now. I wish I could let you inside of my brain so you could understand it all.
I am often asked what it was like to be in foster care. How do I even start explaining? No two foster kids have the same story to tell. Every single one of us went through different abuse and different lifestyles. We are affected differently. I still remember the day I was taken like it happened yesterday. I was worried and scared. I was trying to prepare myself for what I was about to experience from all the stories I had been told. I was only given a couple minutes to pack only a bag full of clothes. Not even a whole bag full. The clothes I had, along with all the questions, were all I had when I had to leave the world I was used. I now I had to start over.
When kids like me come into foster care it isn’t our fault. We didn’t do anything bad to get taken into foster care .I wish you knew what I had to hide coming into foster care. What could I share and not share without being judged? Who could I trust? Would the family I was with love me unconditionally and never give up on me? Was I safe? Was I going to get beaten if I messed up? Could I be myself? All these thoughts ran through my head daily,but what could I do? I was only a child.
My parents gave me up when I was nearly 11. What was I to feel? Did I have a right to feel all these emotions? I wanted to just tell people how I felt without being judged and laughed at. I wanted to trust people right when I met them. I wanted to feel at home and not be scared to mess up. I wanted to let someone tell me they loved me and actually trust them without feeling like it was all a lie. I wondered why is it so hard? What did I do to deserve all the pain that I went through? Was I a bad child? Did I deserve to be beaten? Why did I go through all of this? Why-why-why? Will I ever forgive my birth parents? Should I? Do I have a right not to? What can I do and not do in life anymore without feeling this gut feeling inside of me that I am making a mistake? I want answers but it doesn’t work that way.
When I talk to people who know my past, occasionally it is a surprise how much of a good person I am for what I experienced. A big part of how I made it to where I am now is not wanting to wait to heal. It took so much self control on my part to go and participate to therapists. In the beginning it was hard for me to talk to anyone about the damage and grief I had pushed down day after day. I struggled with being able to cope with not always having to have answers to everything. I have learned in myself that to let go and just sit with the discomfort of not having answers has allowed me to get to know myself a lot better. I can focus and grow in more areas when I am not always worried about having answers. I will continue to listen to my heart, which lets me know I am okay even though I don’t have all the answers.