Love. What does such a small word mean? There are so many ways to define it. You may read this and wonder what I, as a teen, can possibly teach others about love. I was in foster care before being adopted. This experience has helped me to take the time to think about what love really is to me, what love isn’t, who loves me, and what those four letters mean.
I cried my eyes out the night I was woken up and told I had to leave my birth family to go into foster care. Tears and snot dripped down as I hugged my birth mom tight, her shirt soaking wet. When I was walked out of the room, I wondered, “does my mom love me anymore?” I felt stuck between believing she did and feeling as though she didn’t. Entering foster care was very scary for me. I was clueless and didn’t understand what was happening. Suddenly, I was going to be placed with strangers. I didn’t know if I would live with them for a long time or short period of time. Questions about love filled my mind when I my new foster parents quickly said, “I love you” to me. Was I supposed to let them say it, without saying it back? Could I wait until I was comfortable with them before I said “I love you”? It soon began to feel that in this foster home, they did expect me to say it back. My foster mother was insecure, and felt that if I didn’t say it back, it meant she wasn’t providing me with the things I needed. So I began to say it back— but it felt forced.
When I moved in with my adoptive parents, I knew I didn’t have to rush saying “I love you”. I had come to understand that a rushed “I love you” was just empty words. Saying “I love you” and meaning it was scary for me. In my birth family, I would hear I love you, but then soon after something bad or sad would happen to me. I wanted to wait to see if my new family would love me even if I made mistakes. I wanted to be sure they weren’t going to judge or reject me for being me. So while it didn’t take long for me to know I was loved, it did take a long time for me to say it back. I remember it was on Mother’s Day when I said it for the first time. I wrote my mom a letter and I ended it by saying, I love both you guys. Was it hard for me to write? Very much so. No matter how many times you tell someone you love them, it will always be a risky situation. Fear can get in the way.
So don’t rush saying I love you. Don’t pressure someone to say it back to you. If you are a foster parent, let the child in your home say it when they are ready. Wait to say “I love you” until deep down inside you actually have the feeling you do love the person. Love isn’t always a joyful or a sorrowful situation, and sometimes we have to live through the bad to find it. Love has its own ways of showing us ups and downs— it can be the happiest times, and yet the saddest, at the same time.
And that's what I have found.